|| ... i'd burn for you. ||

; gayness. ;

Sat, 21 Feb 2004 15:29:28 GMT

yes, i haven't written in a long while. and i'm not going to tell you everything that has happened in this long while, because i am lazy. ok? anywh0. i'll just catch ya up. mattie and derrick are no longer friends. mattie wants to fight derrick. they are acting like kids. oh well. they'll do what they want. just don't get me involved, because mattie is still my friend. anywh0. i actually hung out with lisa thursday. she came to my house. so she can't complain anymore. oh well. i'm done with that bulllllshiiiit. lately, i've just been blah. i don't want to hear anyone's problems, because.... I DON'T CARE. i could care less what happens tomorrow. because everything's just bullshit anyway. ok, yeah. i'm done writing. derrick just left. he slept over. weeee... what else is new.... ok, i'm 0ut. enjoy. maybe i'll write again sometime.

-| i wear my sunglasses at night. |-

Fri, 30 Jan 2004 17:23:25 GMT

yesterday sucked. well, actually... it was going good in the beginning of the day. everything was OK, me and lisa were great. ;x then gym came... and i played floor hockey. ok, so i got a little carried away ... and began playing with the boys. i assisted and goaled a few, but then when i went to go get the ball one time... i turned the wrong way... and my fucking knee went pop, and i fell. it was awesome, but the pain was soo intense... i didn't know what to do. i was shocked for a moment, then my teacher sent me to the nurse. mattie walked me, and i started to cry. it hurt. she iced me up, and put me on crutches to go get my shit from my locker and to go home. i had to walk from the main office to the parking lot with mattie just to get to derrick's car. lemme` tell you. i started ballin`, cuz it hurt so bad. but, i don't let pain stop me. derrick brought me home, and layed with me and iced my knee. i popped some pills, and my mom wanted to know if i wanted to go to the doctors. if it continues to hurt, then i'll go. i don't like doctors. ;[ so, i ace bandaged it up, and went to the mall... tried to walk around on it, but it began to hurt. came home, and chilled with derrick. we fell asleep together. ;x then he left. ahem. =D <3 anywh0. it's friday and i didn't go to school. effffff that. so, i just took a nice bath... iced for 20 minutes... and put my ace bandage back on. derrick's coming over. we're going bowling tonight. doesn't look like i'm going to be able to bowl, but i'll sit and watch. ;x

i wear my sunglasses at night, so i can watch you leaving me.

-| i hope you like it rough. |-

Tue, 27 Jan 2004 23:49:47 GMT

lemme` see. well, this weekend was gay mostly. hung out with derrick, mattie, and juliana. it was aiiight. i won't go into that. monday sucked at school. derrick picked me up. ;x he makes me so happy. today, tuesday, blowed major goats. well let's see. me and mattie didn't talk. we faught in the lunch room. lisa and i weren't talking. fuck all my friends, that's all i have to say. they get into a relationship and forget all about their friends. I NEVER DID THAT. i did not forget about matt, nor lisa. i spent more time with matt than i did with my own boyfriend. so, i've been nothing but a friend. and when i wanna chill with lisa on saturday's, she's always with Justin. so, basically i turned out to be the bad one, and i don't care. i'm done with people. then at gym, me and mattie made up. h helped me lift weights. but, i still felt some tension with him... like i was still mad. then last period, i saw derrick was there to pick me up and i got all excited. cuz, i knew right when i got into the car... i'd be happy and all my problems would go away. and sure enough they did. i loved it. matt came with us. derrick didn't seem too happy about that. IDK. so, we went to Home Depot so i can pick out colors for my room that me and derrick are going to be redoing. i can't wait. ;x god, i love him so much... i can't handle it. he makes ALL my problems go away just when i'm near him. =D so, we dropped matt off and came home to eat. layed in bed, until he had to go to a meeting. well, that's where he's at right now. and my mom's on a squad call. i would have went, but .. it's a chance to get the house to myself and i didn't want to pass that up. so, i'm blaring 40 Below Summer, shweeet. oh, me and lisa made up. eeeeeehhhhhherrrraaaaaa! step into the sideshow.

check out Switched on February 5th, at 5:00 on ABC Family. my friend Josh was switched with this chick Darcy, and i'm on the show cuz i showed her around Vo-Tech. SO CHECK IT OUT. ;x

-| my hockey player. |-

Sat, 24 Jan 2004 19:33:21 GMT

yeah, so. last night. derrick didn't come over until like ... 6:45. he brought mattie, and mike. [pat's little brother who hangs out with me alot.] lol. so, we all went to pick up some kids, and went to Extremes, so i could watch derrick play hockey. it was fucking cold in there. so, yeah. there were do0ds in there, and they were lookin` at me and shiz. one was hot. very guido though, and thuggish. not my type. but, when i saw my baby out there skating... my heart just dropped. it's very odd. it's been almost 8 months, and still i'm so very much inlove with him. each and every day, it's just like yesterday we fell inlove. i never felt this before, and it's scary. just a little. but, i love it, because i love him more than life itself. i would never lie about that. i just find it pathetic that i love him this much. i just feel like... how can i devote myself to just one person? ... and make this one person my whole entire world? i just want it in return. i don't have that. i just want someone to SHOW how much i mean to them... i don't know. again... i'm asking for too much. so, yeah. derrick dropped me and mike off, cuz Pat was at my house. i hung with pat for a while. he kept biting me, and trying to get me to do stuff with him. but, i didn't. then derrick showed up, after a rather long shower. pat and mike left. derrick said he couldn't stay. oh well. he gave me some lame excuse. an excuse not even my mother, or matt believed. the kids 22, his parents can't make him do shit. ANYWH0. he left me sometime in the middle of the night. i didn't care.

so, now i'm waiting for him. HMM, WHAT ELSE DO I DO? all i do is wait for him. we're gonna go to the mall, and go food shopping. yay... maybe he'll stay tonight. or i'll get some LAME excuse, again. eeehh, whatever.

oh yeah. my mattie boy is going out with Juliana. ;D YAY. <3

-| you're still the one. |-

Fri, 23 Jan 2004 20:40:12 GMT

who0. yeah. hectic week, i must say. after all this with me and derrick, i just can't seem to think straight anymore. yesterday, we got into a fight while i was in school on the phone ... and, then he said he was gonna come and get me. so, i walked outside when school was over. he wasn't there. my friend said i looked like a little girl who just lost her puppy. yeah, i guess. so, yeah. he came over a little after 4 with mattie. he got mad at me again, so ... what could i do? i didn't care. i went to have a cigarette and he came with me. we talked, argued. he got all EEHHH on me, and idk. i don't want to say it ... but, it's like he's becoming aggressive. like, if i wasn't listening to him ... he would grab me roughly. idk. [note: i <3 being grabbed rough, just not when it hurts a lot.] idk. he said i built a wall between us, and it's hard to get through it. well, yeah derrick. you were seeing that A.I.D.S cunt behind my back, and lying to my face so HELLO. but. he said that was all over. and this time i hope to god it is. cuz, this is the last time i will take his bullshit. he wants to marry me, then he needs to step inline and shape up. i won't deal with this anymore. i've been through too much pain, and NEVER in my life would i think derrick would hurt me this way. but, we made up after talking, and ... all i had to do was just look at him and realize how much i love him, and i don't want to lose him. he's all i have left. anywh0. we went driving around last night, gayness. came home, and he layed in bed with me. i found the most comfiest spot between his arm and his chest, and nuzzled up, gave him a kiss goodnight and passed the fuck out. boy, it was quick too. ;x i woke up when he was leaving cuz, he like ... jumped out of bed.

but, anyway. it's friday... and he's coming here soon... hopefully. idk. i don't talk to him much. we don't do much anyway. eeeehhhhh. >_< i'll shut up. i found out my best friend ... lisa ... is bi-sexual today. i mean, she knew i was bi since the first day i met her freshman year... and she was ok with it. but, she always said she was straight. now today, she tells me different after all the hits i put on her, and messed around with her... she actually liked it all. we slept in the same bed all the time, and i always made comments ... and tried shit just like .. joking around, and she always played back but i never knew she meant it. AHHHH. scary, but cool. i can deal.

i have my boyfriend. yes, i do. that's all that matters. i love him more than life its self. he's the reason i live. ;D <3 I LOVE YOU DERRICK. i'ma marry you.

-| and when i take him down. |-

Wed, 21 Jan 2004 00:47:24 GMT

yeah. haven't written in a while. haven't been in the mood. well, IDK. i had no school thursday because it snowed. basically i spent the day with derrick. then had school friday, which was gay. derrick came over after school, then we went and got mattie and went to the mall. whooo. basically i did the same thing all weekend. derrick slept over every night, which was good. no, no. not good. great. it felt like we were married already, falling asleep in each others arms, then waking up just to breathe each other in. then we made breakfast! lol. it was nice. yeah, so ... we got mattie saturday night and went to the mall. bleh bleh bleh. i'm not in the mood to typing at all. so, derrick stayed over till monday and fell asleep with me last night, until he left. i don't remember. i was passed out. so, today was a kinda weird day. everything was ok, when this feeling hit me... hard. i mean ... it just hit me like a bag of bricks. i don't really want to talk about it. i came home, layed in bed. derrick came over, and i couldn't stop crying. but, he was there for me. i just couldn't stop. i still can't. i can't even think right, it's just that stupid ass fucking lost feeling again. i know i love him, and he loves me... and he's here all the time. but, i still feel alone. idk. i'm 0ut.

-| i close my eyes. |-

Thu, 15 Jan 2004 16:16:48 GMT

i close my eyes, and let the whole thing pass me by.

yesterday was aiiight. school was cool. i wore my bondage pants... all the boys were grabbin` on the straps and was makin` comments. aha. carlos called me a whore, that fucking spick. mattie had a nice little talk with him. matt was mad that me, and derrick didn't hang out with him tuesday night. well, me and derrick are [boyfriend & girlfriend] we need alone time. so, we took more alone time yesterday. he came over, and we hung out. we went to borders, and best buy. they had some cool ass stereo's and TV's. derrick was picking out ones for when we get "married" and "live together." i told him ... he's going to change his mind, guaren-damn-tee. it's only been 7 months, and ... there's still ALOT more time. we'll see what happens. i just know i don't see myself with anyone else. but, i do know ... if i find out anything else about him and AIDS cunt, i won't tell him. i'll just start cheating on him. :D that's how it's gonna be. W3RD. so, ANYWH0. we came home, cuz it started snowing, had something to eat, and then went in my room to vox. i beat him! and i beat him in Cool Boarders 3. he sucks ass. ;D he's gonna owe me $15 bucks soon, too. i fell asleep in his arms, like usual.

woke up this morning. no school. w3rd. my baby left me a little note saying he loved me. i love it when he does that. soo cute. idk. i have this piss-poor attitude with him lately. it gets me mad, but that's how it is. i don't care what he does, cuz ... it's not my problem anymore, and it wouldn't suprise me if he was still doing shit behind my back. i'm just going to do the same, i promise. pat's starting to look damn sexy again. ;D aha. kidding. well, he's coming over right now. we need to shove my driveway. my mom's going out tonight, so alone time for me and him. either i'll rock his world... or i'll rock his snot-box.

Tue, 13 Jan 2004 21:45:47 GMT

when will this all just fucking stop already? i don't know. i don't think it ever will. so, let's see. sunday we went to middlesex pond, everything was nice and dandy... then when i went to derrick's car to warm up, i decided to find out if he was still talking to that fucking A.I.D's cunt. meanwhile i'm on the phone with lisa the whole time. not only did i find that he called her saturday night, and talked to her for 2 minutes and 28 seconds, that she just so happened to text him right when i turned on the phone. it said.. " hun, can we go at 8... please :-{ " WHAT A FUCKING CUNT SHE IS?! so, yeah. another fight happened. he left. came and picked me up at night, and we drove around... talked. whatever. i don't need to talk about it, cuz it's bullshit. he took my ring, and he doesn't wear his anymore. oh well. i'm done with trying. from now on ... i go with the flow.

monday seemed to be a better day. we hung out together alone. he picked me up from school. then we went and got matt, and ... went to target and back home. then matt left, so me and derrick hooked up my DVD and VHS to my downstairs TV. it didn't work. i need a whole new TV. we were very ... um ... touchy and all that good stuff. i couldn't help but want him so bad. he just looked sooo sexy. i had to keep kissing him. ;D matt came back at like 10, then derrcik brought him home. then came back ... hopped into bed with me ... and made my night. =D

today was gay. mattie was back in school. he was weird. lisa is with justin now, yay. ;D she's my best friend, and i love her ooohh so much. almost got into another fight with derrick. i found out that the A.I.D's cunt goes over his house after he leaves mine. oh fuck no. not only did we call her and leave a message, but i threatened to kill her. ohh boo hoo. she doesn't fucking answer her phone, nor does she talk to me. the cunt is probably a little bitch... jesus. why can't people just fucking stand up. she wants to fuck my relationship up, i'ma fuck her face up. i don't play games. i'm sorry. but, whatever. came home, i got a new TV. nice big one too. derrick went with my mom to buy it and all that shit. whooo. i'm out. he's on his way over. yeah, mhm. so, w3rd. i'll write more when something maybe even a little bit interesting happens in my pathetic life. i just want to be happy.

-| let's make something out of it. |-

Sun, 11 Jan 2004 15:09:05 GMT

yeah well. they showed up around 7 on Friday. i was mad. then we went to the mall. no biggy. there was a fire alarm in the mall. we didn't leave. i just got food, and i wanted to eat. i stopped to see lisa. the boys stayed over that night.

saturday we woke up. got ready and things and left for New Hope, PA at 2. i made him stop at my brother's house just so i can see my nephew, but... they weren't home. it would have been nice if they were. adam called me back and said he was work, and danielle was sleeping. it's ok. so, we made it to New Hope. it was mad nice. the houses were beautiful. it felt nice to get out of NJ for a little. we parked, and i bundled up cuz it was MAD cold. we walked around, went into the cool stores. got a cheese danish that sucked. it tasted like it had no sugar in it. ewww. then we went to this medievel store, and i fell inlove with this dress. $289 bucks, and it's mine. i want it for prom. it's white and satin. totally beautiful. mattie said it was all me. ;D so, we did our thing and left. came home and made some spaghetti... oh yeah! then we went to the mall, chilled. came home, and hung out with patrick. he was here for an hour before we came home. i guess derrick got mad cuz i sat by patrick. hm, ok. i'm not with patrick. i'm with derrick. i need him to understand that. obviously he doesn't. but, i'm not going to say anything about that. so, yeah. we all slept in my room again. got a lil`somethin`somethin`. then got some this morning. w3rd for me. anywh0. they just left. they have a work detail at engine 2's. hopefully it doesn't last long. i need to get my haircut, and then we're going to middlesex pond to go ice skating. hopefully my cousin comes with me. we can have a bonfire on the island, and talk and drink hot chocolate. how lame, lol. anywho. i'ma go. i need a shower.

if you don't like what you read, then don't cause the problems. i say what needs to be said, and to not hurt your feelings, i say them in here. i knew you read this, and i hoped that when you read my feelings you'd understand and try and make things better. don't complain. it's life. you have things you have to say, but you write them done. i don't read them. just remember i love you. that's all that matters.

i'm sorry, so sorry. damn you're so hot.

Fri, 09 Jan 2004 23:49:49 GMT

eh. today is already gayness. went to school. they had that weekend ski trip today. i didn't go this year. maybe next year. well, i got fed up with school and had derrick come and get me and mattie at 1:30. so basically i skipped 2 periods. mhm, i'll have a note on monday. we went to Engine 2 and hung out for a little, until it was ok to bring me home. i told them to call me when they were done being gay together and shit. they hang out more than me and derrick does, and it's starting to get annoying. i'll just start hanging out with lisa again ... everyday. and bring her everywhere... and see how he likes it. we don't have any money so we can't do anything. our idea of hanging out is driving around, or walking the mall. OMG, i can't get enough of it... it's so fun. [note:sarcasm.] kthnx. it's getting old, and soon... i'm not going to want to do it anymore. so, anywh0. i came home, ate... then went to sleep. it is now 6:47 and neither of them has called me yet. this is bullshit, and oh no. now, i'm mad. maybe i don't want to go out tonight at all. they can hang out together, maybe do eachother in the ass. just wonderful. i wonder what lisa's doing tomorrow night. i might just say 'fuck it' and chill with her until sunday night, and say 'fuck you' matt and derrick. i can be so mean. i'm out for now. i'm rather cold, and i need to redo my makeup.

i texted her today, and talked for a little. it was nice. she doesn't understand that she's beautiful. it's kinda hard to say i'd do anything for her...

... ? who knows anymore.

i'm hooked on stacker 3's again. shame shame on me.

-| i want to strip. |

Thu, 08 Jan 2004 02:20:31 GMT

rawr. oh yeah. weee, so nothing really happened much at all. uh, went food shopping today with derrick and matt. it was like i was married ... again. scary feeling, mhm. it was cool. spent like 90 bucks, but bought all junk food which is bad. i gained weight. MOTHER FUCKER. that's gonna be gone soon. when i start gym again, my teacher said it's weight training for me all year. i said shweeeet. so, we came home. i got bored, so i cut derrick's hair. i gave him a bowl cut, and dyed the top brown. lemme` tell you something. my boyfriend is FUCKING HOT!! sorry. outburst, but he is. DAMN, i got all moist`en`stuff. oh fuck yes. he had to go to a meeting though. but, before he left ... he promised me a little some`somethin when he came back. mhm. that's what i'm talking about. but, i have nothing else to say. i don't know ... mo0.

haven't talked to amy in a while. i need her CELL PHONE number again, so i can text her while i'm in class, cuz i get bored. miss her. ;[

i found a hot ass stripping song. i'ma use it when i turn 18. derrick doesn't think i'ma be a stripper. it's been my dream since i was mad little. it's not for the guys. it's cuz i'm a dancer, and i love to dance. and also the money. :D oh fuck yes. =D the song is at the top in my music thing. check it out.

my smiles are fake.

Mon, 05 Jan 2004 21:06:06 GMT

Saturday - woke up. didn't take to anyone. i couldn't even think. all i wanted was derrick at that time, but i couldn't have him. i didn't know what to think, if we were still together or not. the things that were said made me think different. i mopped around all afternoon, and finally had to have mattie come over. i couldn't be alone. we hung out, and i basically smoked like a fien`. then phil came over. he called derrick, after me asking him if he said some shit about me, which he denied... but, i know he was lying. derrick just hung up on him. atleast i knew he was alive, even though we didn't talk. so, later that night. me, phil, and mattie decided we weren't going to sit around... so we went to the mall to go see a movie, but the line was toooo long. meanwhile, my cell phone goes off... and it's the siren tone i have for derrick. i got all nervous, and i didn't know what to say. he asked me how i was, and i said fine. but, when i asked him he said not doing so good. i didn't know what to say. all i wanted to say was i love him, and that i wanted to come home to him right then and there... but, i couldn't. i just remembered what he did to me, and felt like he deserved to feel like shit. he figured i was at the mall with phil and matt. i dunno if he liked that much, but ... oh well. we said goodbye. no "iloveyou" or anything. then i called him to let him know i was coming home... and he did what i love.
[Derrick] - "Hey!"
[Brooke] - "... hey. "
[Derrick] - "I love you, Brookelyn."
[Brooke] - "...and, I love you Derrick."
... ahh, I love when he says it like that. so, he came over. we sat outside and held eachother for a little. it felt good to breath him in again. he kissed me, hard ... that felt good too. we hung out, he brushed my mom's hair which was cute. talked to the beautiful amy on the phone. must say she is one sexy mother fucker. loved talking to her for an hour or so. can't wait to do it again. he stayed until i fell asleep again... =D

Sunday - got woken up by my mom. i was having a hot ass lesbian action dream. [ahem, amy.] ahah. we to eat, then to tan. did 23 minutes, and it made me fell crispy. mmm, chicken. so, yeah... went shopping and got picture frames. eeeeeeehhhhhhhh i looooovvvveee picture frames with a passion!!!!!!! maybe i'm just crazy. i think that's it. came home, showered, then my baby came over and we got McDonalds. yummy... i didn't eat much though. he wanted to be alone, but mattie showed up. he felt weird, and acted weird all night. he stayed in the dining room, and was ... ehhh, weird. IDK. so, yeah. he left. me and derrick went upstairs to watch Bruce Almighty, then Dracula 2000. i get freaky when i watch vampire movies, so yeah ... we all know what happened. mmmm. ;D

Monday - went to school. everyone commented on my hair and how straight it is, and how it's lighter. they all like it, and my tan. my friend jon insists i became spanish over the break. psssht. yeah, riiiight. anywho. it was nice to be with lisa again. i missed smudge, and i got to see him. =D but, now ... i'ma eat something... then hopefully chill with my baby-hunny-sweetie-pie! ... eh, that was lame. i'm 0ut.

<3
hey, you. yes, you. you are too beautiful. you know it, woman.

-| tired of being here. |-

Sat, 03 Jan 2004 16:35:38 GMT

i have nothing left to say. i'd say my time here is done. what do i have left?

let's just say yesterday dreadful. derrick slept over, and we hung out in bed until 2 or so. mattie came over, showing off his new tattoo. it's nice. some firemen tattoo ofcourse. so we hung. got chinese. went to the mall. i got lisa her christmas presents, and gave them to her at her work. i missed her. went home. got into a fight with derrick in the car, cuz i told him i like a guy who's in control. so, he took that differently and when i went to get out of the car, he grabbed me and pulled me back in. meanwhile my head keeps hitting the steering wheel, and he's biting my leg hard. i finally got out, slammed the door. i recall him yelling " fucking slut. " or something. oh well. words don't affect me. went home, and didn't talk. i noticed he was playing on his cell phone a lot, and i keot hearing it vibrate, which means ... he has a text message. i confronted him, got into an argument and took it into my room. i yelled... he went a little nutz. did something's ... i didn't think he did. won't be discussed. then we took it upstairs, because i started crying. something i DON'T do. we stayed upstairs for hours, crying. he finally told me he was texting his [ex-fuckingwhorewhosgoingtogetfuckedup.]i promised him that. i'm done with these games. i may have been done before, but now i'm fucking done. the meaning totally changes when you add "fucking" infront of it. so, i don't know if we broke up. he kept saying he didn't know what to do. i kept saying everything was blank. it really was. my mind ... was nothing. no thoughts, no actions. i didn't know what was going on. just this empty feeling of being lost. and of losing what i love most. matt called me, and said he found out more shit. supposibly he was supposed to meet the whore at Applebee's last night, but i knew it was a lie. we were supposed to go there tonight. so, bleh. he couldn't take it anymore. he went to hand me back the wedding ring, and i hung up on mattie. i couldn't believe he would do that. i don't know. YOU HAD TO BE THERE to understand what happened. it was the worst, and now .... i have no idea what's going on. we calmed down a little. he gave me 2 tylenol PM's and layed in bed with me, until i went to sleep. then he left. i felt lost.

i have nothing. that's what it feels like. those thoughts pass in my head still. the gut feeling turning my insides just at the thought of not having you. i don't know what's going on. everything's blank. life is NOT worth living. i've lost everything in my life. everything! i can't take it anymore. i'm sorry. goodbye.

-| fucking new years... |-

Thu, 01 Jan 2004 15:41:08 GMT

i'll just start off. derrick stayed over tuesday night. no mattie. you know what i'm saying. =D

woke up, yesterday morning, mattie didn't get his tattoo so he came over. mommy wanted to go tanning again, so we all hopped in the car and went to tan. i drove. i actually feel more comfortable with derrick in the passanger seat than my mom, cuz i don't have to hear her mouth. eh. i tanned, which felt soo good to be doing again. i got my old color back quickly, and i got my freckles back. derrick thinks they're cute though. ;D so, we went to Dunkin Donuts. i got some nummy ice cream,. but due to the fact i had to drive ... derrick held it and ate it all. yeah, fast fowarding. so, he left to go shower and shave. came back later, me and matt were chillin`. went to Mugs to eat. spend $67 on food between the 3 of us. i was sooo full, i didn't want to move. we went driving around, jammin` to some limp bizkit. i <3 my derrick. so, we got some liqour ... came back to my house. i had 5 shots of black berry brandy, and a mike's hard lemonade. that was enough to make my left eye do the " i don't want to move, fuck you " thing. i passed out before the ball dropped. mattie woke me up, but derrick had to hold me up. i don't remember much of watching it. i just remember waking up a little later, and not being as drunk. mattie started video taping us, then derrick pager dropped. hearing those tones made my stomach do a flip. he got up, and got all his clothes on, kissed me, said he loved me, and said he'll be right back. he hasn't done that in 4 months, and i was getting used to it. but, i understand. he's a fireman. and that's my job of being a fireman's girlfriend. after he left, i just stared at the door. mattie noticed i was crying. i couldn't help it. it's dangerous. and at any time i could lose him. and if that were to happen ... idk. i wouldn't have a reason to live. enough talk on that. it's a very sensitive subject with me. so, he came back. and we went to sleep.

now, they left me for some New Years bullshit for the fire department. whoo - hoo. idc. but, yeah. i'm bored. and really have nothing to do. so, i'ma go take a nice, hot, mmmm bath. ew, i sneezed. sorry. ok. i'll write more sometime.

[beautiful] i know how you feel. you know how i feel. just wish there was something we could do about it. p.s. i love ... it when you post comments on here. makes me feel special. =D
<3

-| mr. grouchy. |-

Wed, 31 Dec 2003 02:54:31 GMT

yeah. so um. i think i left off on sunday. mattie came home, and we went to the mall. i spent my money. not really though. i have some bucks left on my Wet Seal card, and my Icing card. i got this new diamond ring, to replace my old one. now it really is like an engagement ring. i got a new necklace, um ... sunglasses, " D " earrings, a small ass skirt, and a shirt that says "Censored." all to mattie's help picking it out. ;D anywho! we went to derrick that night, and stayed there. whooooo, ya know what i'm saying?! so, yeah. monday.came home, took a shower. mattie and derrick left, cuz my mom wanted me to drive her to go tanning. jackie was working so she let me go in a bed for 15, which is good so i can get my base tone back. surely i got it. =D came home, got some bella roma. mmmm, penne vodca sauce. derrick and matt came back, but derrick had to do his stupid chiropractor thing ... don't ask. so, me and mattie went to another tattoo shop to get things priced out. i still didn't get mine done yet. ;[ derrick came back after like ... 4:30, and we chilled here for a while. my mom said something that got him mad, mentioning "Jimmy" i couldn't help but laugh. he got all quiet, and sat around. i wasn't going to say shit, cuz my mom wouldn't have said anything if it didn't happen in the first place. he won't win. simple as that. he does something, I WILL FIND OUT. no doubt about that. i promise you. -- so, we went to Burger King. ate in silence... whoopty doo. i wasn't going to deal with his shit. he gets mad about petty comments, he shouldn't give them a reason to be made. SIMPLE, jeez. anywh0. they slept over, we stayed upstairs. i passed the fuck out. oh well. no booty for me.

today was kinda gay. woke up, and chilled. matt left so he could go get his tattoo, but he came back cuz it wasn't ready. we chilled, and we all hopped in my moms car cuz derrick had to drive her up to the doctors. did that, went to quick check. got some food. i drove home. i wanted to stop into Union Ave Pharmacy, bring derrick along. but, she wasn't working. thank god on his part. i would have loved to meet her. heh. my fist meet her face. i told her once. stop talking to my boyfriend. did she listen? no. but, i think he provoked it. he wants to talk to her so much, he can talk to her. but, he won't be with me... and he'll have some serious problems on his hands. i'm NOT playing games anymore. i'm tired, and gettin` angry. i'll bring in the whole ... 16-22 thing. doesn't matter. i like to play games. =D anywho. i'm sitting here with mattie. we just got done playing around in the bathroom. i shaved his armpits, and put a face mask on him. he's my pig! anywho. dunno where derrick is. company meeting, probably getting drunk. fuck it.

[beautiful] i miss you. can't express it anymore than that.

-| nice night. ;x |-

Sun, 28 Dec 2003 18:24:33 GMT

well, let's see. yesterday, i started off waking up around 1. since we don't have school i kinda got into the habit of doing that now. i was lazy, and moped around with my mom for a while. then she wanted chinese, so i drove to go pick it up. weee, driving. still no word from derrick. idk... i took a shower, did my hair and all that good shit. i was supposed to go out with patrick last night, but then around 5 or so ... derrick decided to tell me he wasn't going to the party for chappy. so, basically i had no choice. i really didn't want to go out with patrick, cuz we would have been fighting the whole time ... or he would have tried something. so, i told derrick to come over. he took a shower and came over. when he walked into my room, he threw a pack of cigarettes at me. =D that's SO what i needed. i was fien`in hardc0re. i told him to give me a fucking hug. and he did. oh yeah. he held me for a while, which felt good. i sat on his lap while he watched Cops, and layed my head on his shoulder. i just didn't want to let go. mattie's still at his grandma's, so basically it was a night to ourselves. kevin kortney came over to fix out plumping. i haven't seen him since i was MAD young. he remembered me as a little " cute kid ". he didn't know i grew up. he made me help him and get all dirty. ;[ then derrick cleaned up his mess, and cleaned out my mom's whole cabnit like a retard. it was already 9, and i was hungry. we went to mannions. which is a very, very, very irish resturant. it was nice though. they had a band ... well, one guy playing music. he played some country. matt would have died if he went there. not only was it irish, but COUNTRY! i made sure i called him and left a voicemail. so, we had good food. a song came on called "Earth Angel." lmao! derrick took his fork and started singing... sooo loud. i was so going to leave. i couldn't eat cuz i was laughing. it was cute though. i'm just going to make sure i never ask him to serenade me ever in my lifetime. ;D then my song came on. "My Brown Eyes Girl." we sang it, and left. we came home, and chilled with my mom. they were singing Earth Angel together, which was totally gay. i'm glad they're talking again. so, later that night ... derrick put me in bed. made sure i was warm and layed with me for a while. i fell asleep, but woke up around 2 or so, cuz of SOME REASONS. =D it's all good. fell back asleep to his little ... er ... whispers in my ear. then i guess he left.

but, now i'm up. it's 1:22. woke up like 20 minutes ago. i'ma reheat my chinese! w3rd, and wait for mattie to come home. we need to go to the mall today. derrick has to pick out a hat, and i have to spend a 100 dollars. fuck yes. i'm out.

[beautiful] i guess that's how you really feel. the whole ... 'can't live without'. maybe i shouldn't care. but, it's hard. eh, shit. idk.

... [this journal sucks.] ...

Sat, 27 Dec 2003 04:26:08 GMT

yeah. i'm starting this new journal, cuz personally ... i think blurty sucks. this may look like shit right now, but hopefully the beautiful amy will help me out. maybe cuz she's just so wonderful. can't explain it. but, i won't if i could. reasons known between the both of us. anywh0. you wanna catch up on some shit? go to my old journal. www.blurty.com/users/br0okelin. check it out, and shut the fuck up. thank you.

anyway... today was rather gay. mattie's away at his grandma's for christmas, till sunday. sad, sad story. heh. i woke up at like ... 12 or so today. mom made me do some shit since she can't do anything until she heals. hopefully that day comes around soon. i'm exhausted. so, talked to derrick online. i told him i was going to hang out with patrick tomorrow night. he didn't like the idea, so he got mad ... and said i was going to fuck him or something. now, it's as if he doesn't trust me with patrick. so, i simply replied. " let's not bring up the whole cheating thing, derrick. " due to the fact he cheated on his ex-slut, and he might be cheating on me. he better not be. i caught him having her in his cell phone under the name " jimmy. " just so i wouldn't find out. and when i asked her if they were still together, she told me that i know the answer. he said no though. unsure of who to believe. but, if i find out anymore shit. not only will he be permanantly crippled for real, but she'll have a speech impediment from the wire holding her jaw shut. i'm not fucking around anymore. i'm tired of the bullshit games people play. it's old news. anyway, back to a brighter note. he called, i didn't answer. then he showed up, kissed me, and figured everything was ok. he always does that. i couldn't say anything, because he automatically said he loved me. can't help it. we dropped some shit off for my mom, and went driving around. honestly, it's like we are married. i wear my wedding band, left hand, ring finger. as he does the same. we act like it, and it's kinda scary. but, it gives me this great feeling ... of being inlove. and i am inlove. [sorry.] so, he dropped me off. cuz it's his sister's birthday. um, oh well. patrick stopped by, i bummed a couple cigarettes off him. i'm done with pack already. gayness. cleaned my room, took a bath. now, i'm sitting here. it's 11:23 and i'm not tired. my leg's asleep though. eeeehh. maybe derrick will call me. or jack. cuz, jack's hot. i'm off though. i'm talking to the beautiful amy. [down.]

you know how i feel about you. but, i guess we both know it's wrong. but, you understand... if i had THAT chance... i'd do it in a heart beat. just to see you happy ... but, i think you're happy with what you have now. i just wish i was happy for you ...