Current mood:	depressed
Current music:	|| "Suicide" - Zug Izland. ||

-| tired of being here. |-
i have nothing left to say. i'd say my time here is done. what do i have left?

let's just say yesterday dreadful. derrick slept over, and we hung out in bed until 2 or so. mattie came over, showing off his new tattoo. it's nice. some firemen tattoo ofcourse. so we hung. got chinese. went to the mall. i got lisa her christmas presents, and gave them to her at her work. i missed her. went home. got into a fight with derrick in the car, cuz i told him i like a guy who's in control. so, he took that differently and when i went to get out of the car, he grabbed me and pulled me back in. meanwhile my head keeps hitting the steering wheel, and he's biting my leg hard. i finally got out, slammed the door. i recall him yelling " fucking slut. " or something. oh well. words don't affect me. went home, and didn't talk. i noticed he was playing on his cell phone a lot, and i keot hearing it vibrate, which means ... he has a text message. i confronted him, got into an argument and took it into my room. i yelled... he went a little nutz. did something's ... i didn't think he did. won't be discussed. then we took it upstairs, because i started crying. something i DON'T do. we stayed upstairs for hours, crying. he finally told me he was texting his [ex-fuckingwhorewhosgoingtogetfuckedup.]i promised him that. i'm done with these games. i may have been done before, but now i'm fucking done. the meaning totally changes when you add "fucking" infront of it. so, i don't know if we broke up. he kept saying he didn't know what to do. i kept saying everything was blank. it really was. my mind ... was nothing. no thoughts, no actions. i didn't know what was going on. just this empty feeling of being lost. and of losing what i love most. matt called me, and said he found out more shit. supposibly he was supposed to meet the whore at Applebee's last night, but i knew it was a lie. we were supposed to go there tonight. so, bleh. he couldn't take it anymore. he went to hand me back the wedding ring, and i hung up on mattie. i couldn't believe he would do that. i don't know. YOU HAD TO BE THERE to understand what happened. it was the worst, and now .... i have no idea what's going on. we calmed down a little. he gave me 2 tylenol PM's and layed in bed with me, until i went to sleep. then he left. i felt lost.

i have nothing. that's what it feels like. those thoughts pass in my head still. the gut feeling turning my insides just at the thought of not having you. i don't know what's going on. everything's blank. life is NOT worth living. i've lost everything in my life. everything! i can't take it anymore. i'm sorry. goodbye.